2 posts tagged “hate”

I was reminded today, as I am most days, about something I hate. Hey, I'm actually trying to work on not being so hateful (I REALLY hate cynics :), but this stuck out. I was on the bus, coming home from work, and I realized that I am quite incensed by people that give their bearded friends/random bearded men the oh-so-clever nickname "Jesus." I hate the little smirk they get on their face when they refer to that ONE friend, "You, know, Jesus," like molten originality is erupting from their mouths. You know you've known someone who just has to refer to every bearded dude they see as "Jesus" or "jesus-like." It is not even remotely clever or witty or original! Please just stop! Since when did Jesus get the rights to the beard? The beard is its own entity, and I suggest we treat it as such. 

So I've been desperately plotting (with myself) all day about how to get out of going to my landscaping job this afternoon.  Its not that I'm lazy, just that twelve hours of work is just not appetizing with a migraine.  Especially when I'm inanely digging dirt that is hardened from twelve weeks of summer sun.  Especially when this dirt covers an expanse of roughly (ok a complete shot-in-the-dark guess) 150 square feet.  Especially when I could go home instead and proceed to carouse.  Because goddamn, I love to carouse.  While I'm on the subject of things that I love, I am going to compose a list of things I hate.  

1. Abbreviations.  This includes acronyms which I L.O.A.T.H.E.  It also includes contractions (are they really necessary? Does it really require that much more effort to just say both words? When one of them is usually only TWO letters and is really little more that a grunt of sorts?) Also, shortened versions of people's names.  Also, text message and instant message jargon. 

2.  When people post ads in only capital letters, for instance on Craigslist.  If you are posting an ad and decide to write it in all caps, just know that I will not read it or respond.  Even if you are offering me a free tablet laptop or front row tickets to next year's Superbowl.  This also applies to ads with incorrect grammar or spelling in them. 

3.  Shirts with sayings on them.  No, I do not  think its funny or exceedingly clever that you are wearing a shirt that professes that you fucked my mother.  Or banged three monkeys while enjoying the refreshing taste of Coke. 

4.  10-year-olds getting hot and heavy in the food court of the Lloyd Center. 

5.  "Meaningful" tattoos.  I am so sick of this.  I don't give a rat's ass if your tattoo has special and significant meaning.  Yeah, I'm sure that butterfly on your ankle with the chinese symbol on its wing is a deeply significant memoir to your best friend who died a tragic death at the age of 16.   The chinese word is probably her name and the butterfly signifies freedom from the chains of life.  Good one.

Ok, so now on to things that I love.  Ahh, love and hate.  What a strange dichotomy.

1.  Pissing with the door open.  I take a perverse pleasure in this, especially at work.

2.  Skinny dipping in the ocean.  I have been known to do this when there were strangers on the beach.  A tradition most strictly observed with my friend Camille on coast camping trips.  Being naked in general.

3.  Avocados.  I am actually going to paint my room the green color of the edge of the avacado meat, not the skin, but the meat right inside the skin. I am amazed at how beautiful avacados are when you cut them open and just observe a slice.  Very nice blending of the greens if I do say so myself. 

4. www.theimpulsivebuy.com.  This guy is actually hilarious.  Not to be advertising, but he actually did a review on Axe Clix deodorant and commented on how he trims his armpit hair as to not look like he's got a kitten in a headlock....I nearly pissed myself.

5.  Hilarity.  This includes various blogs that I frequent and my intrepid cat Sigil, who has been known to leap three feet in the air for no apparent reason.  Also includes my friends (see next) and other things. 

6.  My friends.  Not to get all retarded and mushy, but I have the greatest friends on the planet.  They are hilarious and endlessly entertaining.  I love hanging out with them, and there doesn't exist any better people as far as I'm concerned.  Everyone else's friends suck.

7.  Tangents.  Not to be confused with tangerines or a small town in the foothills of Somalia.

8.  Butt sex.  Actually I don't love butt sex. 

Well, that's all.