Posts (page 2)

It seems a bit odd to me that while half the country is shrouded in ice and snow, Portland was out wearing a sundress yesterday and spots of color were beginning to show on her cheeks.  My good friend Jared seems to be of the opinion that she has one good snowstorm still left in her belly, but that man lives a life that is really just one giant cloud of internet. 

I was lucky enough to be able to leave work and have a tryst with Miss Portland herself in the park, even clad as scantily as she was.  With the weather being what it was, a picnic was definitely in order.  I would have preferred a hike, but on such short notice I was hard-pressed to figure out where to go.  Before I left work I took a picture of the view from the skybridge and I will hopefully be able to post it soon. 

Now for an anecdote to document my unparalleled sense of humor.  I am a General Chemistry workshop leader at PSU, and we have a leader meeting every Tuesday morning with the Gen Chem professor.  This particular morning involved a workshop that had a problem with various information in it.  The overall theme of the problem had to do with the element Bismuth and some of its properties.  Interestingly enough, it is a transition metal that actually becomes less dense with freezing (much like water) which causes it to expand.  This was particularly useful in some of the very first printing presses to make molds.  Anyway, the other leaders were kind of off task and babbling. I cleared my throat and said, very seriously "Alright everyone, we really need to get down to bismuth."

I was walking up the stairs into the Science building today when I happened upon a man.  This man was an average looking fellow, if a bit goofy. As he was adjusting his ridiculously short scarf a voice in my head spoke up, as if I was speaking to this man himself. It said "You are such a noodle." A noodle???  Did I just call a man a noodle? What does that even mean? He was rather pasty...I was rather hungry. However, it was definitely derogatory.  My brain and method of insult is peculiar, to be sure.

I had a terrible day today.  Portland and I were at war.  My weapon was my jagged cynicism, her weapon insufferably miserable outdoor conditions.  She won.

In honor of my pathetic day and downtrodden spirit, I will write a limerick, which I suppose is rather ironic.

There once was a medium-tall gent
His face wore an expression of lament
For earlier that day, his girl ran away
After leaving him stuck in cement

His brain was stuck in a ponder
What would happen if it were to thunder?
"Well I suppose I'd get wet, but no need to fret,
Never again will I make such a blunder!"

*Edit: I'm silly. 8 3/4 is bigger than 8 1/2, haha. Thanks to my good friend Double Dander for pointing that out. I meant to say 8 1/4, but you realized that.

I finally decided what my real problem is: I'm insufferably in-between.  At work, I can't wear the small gloves, I have too fat of palms.  But, the medium gloves are too loose.  When I buy shoes, 8's are a little too small, where 8.5's are a little too big...8 3/4 where are you? Very few pants are actually the right length on me. Tailored shirts look weird because my chest is not either large or small. If I were a Catholic I'd be doomed to an eternity in purgatory: right in between heaven and hell.  Luckily, I'm an atheist.

More importantly, fuck the government and our legislative process. My first gripe is, of course, a tried and true bitch: if it wasn't for the taxes on my paycheck, I'd be a much richer woman.  I've pretty much been busting my ass the past couple of weeks, and my paycheck isn't even $400? Bullshit, I tell ya. I hope I will be getting a large refund. Secondly, I was listening to This American Life today, the last broadcast episode.  It was about houses of ill repute, a very interesting program.  The third act was about the House of Representatives, with senators describing the legislative process and the fact that the Republican's have had the majority for the past 12 years and recently (well not that recently) the Democrats gained the majority back. It was basically outlining the fact that whoever is in the majority takes wicked advantage and ignores the code of conduct by not making bills available till the absolute last possible minute so that Democrats don't have time to read them and therefore cannot make an informed vote. Also, when a bill would actually pass in the Democrat's favor, the speaker of the house will just leave the vote open indefinitely (a major breach of conduct code) so that they can bully the others into changing their vote in the Republican's favor.  And, if a Democrat tries to propose an amendment, the speaker talks over them, ignores them (actually in one example turning to his colleagues to discuss later plans) and calls what they have to say impertinent, just to preserve their stronghold.

Then, when the Democrats speak for the unfairness and try to call attention to the breach of code, they are steamrolled.

But what happens when the Democrat's gain back the majority? They start out by proclaiming that in the first hundred days they are going to pass this bill and this one, all furthering issues backed by the Democratic party... etc, etc. They do the EXACT SAME THING that the Republicans have been doing to them in the past 12 years. The reporter was speaking to Peter Defazio and he said something like "Well, of course.  This is just for the first hundred days. Then, maybe they'll realize that what they did to us is unacceptable and next time will act differently."

WHAT THE FUCK? These people are representing our fucking country. They are acting like children, whole-heartedly throwing themselves into this bullshit tug-of-war power trip. I had the illusion that these people, who work their entire lives to convince the public that they are representing their interests and have their best interests at heart, would be above this kind of petty crap (I can't even think of a word to describe it). If this is how the people in these positions act, then where is the hope? There is not even one intelligent mind in that whole fucking place that realizes the senselessness of this behavior and that if no precedent is set, and each party just keeps trying to get back at the other for mistreatment it will never end? This is a basic staple of life! This is what our parents fucking teach us when we are little children.  If your sibling hits you, you don't hit them back. What kind of example is this fucking setting for America? I'll tell you. Its further and further perpetuating the American stereotype that every man is an island and if he doesn't look out for himself than he'll never get anywhere. All we do is grab and grab everything in our reach, with no thought of the rest of the world or even the ones in our own country. Its teaching the kids who are growing up here that they better not ever do anything that could be good for someone else, ESPECIALLY if they have been slighted by the person in the past. It makes me absolutely ill. I am so ashamed. This only helps me make my mind up further that I am never having children and if I were to, we would go live our lives in a third world country and spend them serving other people so as to maybe cleanse them of human's innate selfishness. Well, I don't like children, so that's not likely to happen. I wish I was intelligently able to discourse about studies done on the effect power has on people and the social and psychological trends that leads to this type of behavior, but I don't know much about that type of research. I do know about one study that I heard of that put high school age children into a prison guard situation and observed their behavior.  The placement of a civilian in this sort of position led to a gross abuse of the power, that came to physically abusing their "inmates." And what happend when the roles were reversed? The people who were just in those vulnerable situations had no empathy for the people who were now in the situation they were just in and if anything, the abuse got worse. This was a play-acting experiment.  The participants were given the option to leave whenever they wanted to, and when the "prisoners" wanted to leave the "guards" refused.  Play-acting. So what actually happens when these positions are real? The House is an example of exactly what happens.

If you want to listen to the episode of This American Life that I am referring to, go to www.thisamericanlife.org and there is a link to listen to the streaming feed of the episode right on the front page. It is titled "Houses of Ill Repute." I would recommend it, it is a great show and a very interesting episode.

I've just finished up opening all of my Christmas presents from my relatives, and it has been an experience.  My uncle Mark and I had this great idea for gifts, and the other night we went to a thrift store and found the nastiest, most inexplicably hideous and hilarious things we could find, to pass them off as real gifts.  For my step-grandmother, I found this "wall decoration" that basically consisted of two CD's sandwiched around a piece of pink lace.  Then, to top it off, those little ribbon roses were sloppily hot-glued to the CD's and it had a wall hanging rope.  For my Grandfather, Mark and I found a solid "gold" toilet nailed to a piece of wood.  For my aunt Lori, I found one of those pieces of wood that has a "country" look with some phrase like "Life is a patchwork of friends" on the front, with a teddy bear holding part of a quilt or something.  On the back it had an inscription "To Lynn, always forever, always friends, love Sheila, x-mas 1991."  I x-ed out the "Lynn" and wrote "Lori," the "Sheila" and wrote "Moriah" and the "1991" and wrote "2006."  For Bryan, her husband, we saw the perfect gag gift.  I still can't stop laughing when I say this word.  Cumberbund.  Bahahaha.  That is all there is in life.  And, for my grandmother, we found a Christmas sweater that was a gaudy monstrousity.  It actually had blinking lights going up Santa's sleigh with a little battery box that you can switch on and off.  The most hilarious thing was that she actually was really excited about it.  I looked at Mark and the hysterics started all over again.  We didn't actually realize that it lit up in the store...when we were wrapping the gifts tonight I had gone downstairs to get some tape and I came back into the room and he was just holding it up with this look of awe on his face, and I just lost it.  It was so fun searching for the gifts...my uncle and were cracking up the whole time, just busting up in the middle of a dirty dingy thrift store.  I love thrift stores, so you can believe me when I say that this one was one for the books.  I actually saw, for sale, a curling iron that had half an inch thick of yellow and black crust caked on it.  They were actually selling this.  Quality control, anyone?

On the serious side of gift-giving, I got my absolute most favorite gift I have ever gotten in my life.  Ever.  My uncle Mark is an artist and he and I share a lot of the same artistic interests.  He loves dark fantasy art like Beksinski, Dali, Brom, HR Giger, Frank Frazetta, etc, and he is actually the one who introduced me to some of this amazing stuff.  So, he's an artist, and he has been wanting to get into oil painting for a while, reasearching it and stuff.  So he gave me his first ever oil painting, which he specifically designed for me.  It is a scarab beetle and on the inside he crafted a design of different symbols from myth and cultures, some he had even adapted himself.  It is so perfect for me.  Apparently he has spent over 100 hours designing and making this painting.  It is beautiful.  I am going to take a picture and post it.  He even has a print which points to each symbol and explains the meaning and how they all tie together.  The name of the work is Scarabaeus Dea which is latin for "Scarab Goddess." Unfortunately, since the painting is an oil, it needs to dry and I won't get it for a couple months.  But he works at an art gallery and he is going to frame it for me and ship it. I don't really know how to tell him how much it means to me, I hate gushy words and all I could say was that I was speechless.  Hopefully he gets the point. 

Well, I am sojourning to a museum of glass tomorrow, so I need to get some rest (damn you, eastern time).

You would think that in the middle of December, in upstate New York, there would be at least a few inches of snow? Mayhap an icicle or two?  One frozen puddle? A giddy, snow-angeling Mya? Well, due to my recent enlightenment, that is no longer a thought in my vocabulary.  In fact, it is warmer here in New York than it is in Portland.  By 5-10 degrees, no less.  Why, why does this happen to me?

However, on the bright side, this vacation rules.  I've been crocheting by an open fire, drinking my fill of wine and GOOD beer (being pumped into me by the bushelful by my lovely aunt, uncle and grandmother), wandering around quaint East Aurora, cooking and baking.  Life's good.  One thing that has come to ultimate fruition lately is my utter lack of a inner temperature-regulating system.  Even though the weather outside is mild, my brain seems to think that its the next Jack Frost and I'm a mere twig, waiting for an icy blast.  And, heat is so motherfucking expensive. I was informed, before I left for NY, that there was a $70 heating bill run up for the first 10 days of December.  Now, this is with me turning the heat on for 1-4 hours a day when I get home.  It is by no means on all day, and we have a SMALL house.  A small, perforated house, apparently.  Someday I hope to be able to afford to have the house I live in warm enough to support tanked-top activities, round the clock.  I can never get warm enough.  I need to be a superhero so I can have a blanket permanently attached (cape).  My extremeties seem to dangle in another, frigid, dimension.  Even now as I'm speaking, my toes seem icy lumps.  I guess my body is just REALLY efficient and no energy escapes as heat.  God help me, the cold. 

So the question of the day asked me if I was superstitious today.  Now, I know what superstitious means, so don't think I am stupid.  I am just taking this opportunity to vent about something that has been really bothering me lately.  Here it is.

I am unnaturally, inanely, and almost recklessly afraid of Carrot Top.  After some pictures of him were posted on a hilarious blog that I read daily, I had bad dreams for two nights. I'm not kidding, people.  NIGHTMARES.  Here they are.  AAAAGGGHH!

I'm so done with finals right now that I'm practically glowing.  Actually, I'm just incredibly exhausted.  I am taking a month long siesta. 

Ha, I wish I could do that.  I have roped myself into actually making presents for everyone on my list.  And since I haven't actually started anything, I have about two weeks to make a queen size tetris quilt for Tim, crochet my sister leg warmers and a hat, crochet my mom a blanket, make my dad and step-mom a river rock stepping mat, and other presents for my friends.  I'm really looking forward to working on it though...and I'm leaving on Tuesday for New York!  Winter break is better than sex!  I get to hang out with my family, play in four feet of snow, go snowboarding, drink, etc, etc. 

I should be walking to class right now. I most definitely should be eating lunch right now.  But the only thing I really want to do is lie naked in the sun. Its really too bad that there has been nothing but huge volumes of liquid dropping at a rate that leaves me more wet than dry and actually sucks the very soul from my body.  I like the way the rain looks, so if I could travel from place to place in an automatically expanding and contracting heated bubble I actually think my life would lack for nothing.  Why hasn't it gotten to the point where we can all travel in bubbles? Jesus, you'd think it wasn't the 21st century.

I have written a haiku.  It goes like this.

She drifted in and
Displaced the air from my lungs
I coughed, ignited.

So I am still not entirely happy with the last line.  I really like the first two, after thinking of them while walking home from class one day.  But then, I struggled to find a suitable last line of 5 syllables and my brain failed me.  It is so hard to come up with something compelling or contrasting with only 5 syllables!  I love haikus...it is so interesting to me how people use a restriction like number of syllables.  That, to me, shows more creativity than rambling on for a page or two about daffodils (oh, Walt Whitman).  I also really appreciate a poem with good rhyming scheme.

So, random thing of the day:
Something that recently came into my mind was something that was ground into my head as a youngster: Never end a sentence with a preposition! A preposition is: anything the airplance can do to the cloud...

For some reason I'll always remember this.  Perhaps because of this kooky teacher I had when in grade school.  It was an awesome school though, because up through my eighth grade year I was in a classroom with no more than 11 or 12 kids in it.  We still had storytime in the afternoons after lunch.  Mrs. Eckler would read up things like Cheaper By the Dozen (great book to be read to you, by the way.  I strongly recommend it).

Random thing of the day (part II):
I found a little piece of paper in my purse that had these words inscribed upon it: "disorano amaretto." I think these may be made up italian words, because when I tried to put them into a translator nothing happened.  I really wonder what this paper was doing in my purse, and what this means.  Could it be some sort of sign?  I need to open up a coffee shop and name my drinks stupid made up italian words? I could make a fortune. 

I love Hallowe'en.  It is my most favorite holiday, even more than Christmas I think.  I absolutely LOVE dressing up, especially as something dead or intricate.  However, this year I'm doing something a little different, mostly because Sarah came up with a great idea that I absolutely love.  I'm going to dress up as a bunch of grapes.  I've developed a prototype costume, and upon this blog is the first time it will be viewed.  So you, my 2 friends who may or may not read what I ramble about, will get to be privy to the first emergence of my long-awaited costume.

This is actually my third or fourth idea.  Originally Sarah and I were going to dress up as Little Bo Peep and Sheep...i.e. "Peep and Sheep"  She was going to be LBP because we were at Goodwill one day and found this fabulous pink (all lace) frilly poofy dress that would definitely have been something old LBP would have worn in the good ole days.  BUT, when we went back to get the dress it was gone.  All hopes shattered.  So next we were going to be Mrs. Pacman and Ghost (me ghost) and hire someone to strategically place baskets of fruits around Portland for 1ups...but then Sarah said "Why don't you be a bunch of grapes? We could paste purple balloons to you."  And I was like "Holy shit, this is better than Quantum theory." So, friends and colleagues, here it is.  I think it will look something like this.  Fantastic.

Halloween costumre